Alright, here’s the scenario: if you could magically get sucked into the animated world, who would you like to date? Let’s face it, most people choose the resident Adonises of the genre, from the muscle-bound Brock Samson to the oddly charming Sterling Archer (and for the men, Holli Would etc), so I felt it was my duty to give the Average Joes of the cartoon world a chance. Without further ado, let’s begin the list of the Top 10 Losers I’d Consider Dating…
10. Steve Smith
Steve Smith walks the walk but doesn’t quite talk the talk when it comes to charming the ladies, however his love of all things nerdy coupled with spontaneous renditions of boyband classics, makes him the perfect guy for a fun date at a comic convention.
Pros: Can be occasionally smooth, knows how to serenade you with “Baby Come Back” and shows a soft side by befriending fluffy animals such as injured (aggressive) cats.
Cons: A major mother’s boy with a high-pitched voice.
9. Hugo the Health Inspector
Hugo is mad with power in his job as resident health inspector and knows how to cause havoc for the household at Bob’s Burgers. Confident in his authority, with a hint of desperate loneliness, Hugo could show you a great time by taking you out to dinner with the assurance his restaurant of choice has avoided the “green mold epidemic”.
Pros: Incredibly loyal to the woman he loves, gets involved in fun community events like Lobsterfest and looks good with a badge.
Cons: As Gretchen, Hugo’s previous fling said, it doesn’t matter that he has a “small badge”…but he doesn’t know “how to use it”. ‘Nuff said!
8. Randy Marsh
Affectionately known as “Stan’s Dad”, Randy is the only contender on this list who is married. I don’t mean to be a homewrecker here but I HAD to include him! Enthusiastic, totally delusional and ready to go on an adventure at the drop of a hat – there’s no end to the fun craziness you’d get up to dating this dude.
Pros: Passionate, follows through on his goals, a loving father and is willing to fight for justice.
Cons: The endless drama Randy causes…the guy publicly humiliates himself at least 90% of the time.
7. Klaus Heissler
Before you think I’ve gone completely nuts, just hear me out – Klaus isn’t actually a fish, he’s a MAN whose brainwaves have been put into a fish. He can be put back into a man’s body and this has been done many times in the series, my favourite incarnation being an Earth Wind & Fire cover artist. German, devious and charming – what’s not to love?
Pros: That accent, his colourful backstory (originally was an East German Olympic ski-jumper in the Winter Olympics) plus he knows how to treat a lady.
Cons: Klaus is still in a fish’s body and probably will be for the next couple of years. That plus the whole “I’m German therefore I’m evil” thing. That’s a lot of baggage…
6. Bill Dauterive
Clinically depressed and a tad gullible, Hank Hill’s longtime friend Bill just can’t catch a break, however his sweet personality and good humour always shines through. If you were out on a date, he would be the most genuine listener you’ve ever met.
Pros: Kind, is a man in uniform (an Army Sargeant) and has a track record of selfless and generous acts of goodwill.
Cons: Still hasn’t quite gotten over his ex-wife, plus the word “clingy” is almost an understatement in Bill’s case.
5. Reggie Mantle
“Reggie the Rat”, as he has been dubbed in the Riverdale community, is definitely a devious soul who is immersed in his rivalry with Archie and the perpetual need to boost his own ego. Still, ya gotta give it to the guy, Reggie’s a go-getter full of boundless enthusiasm and charm. At times he is capable of curbing his womanizing ways, but if not then at least you have the consolation prize of having a date where the red carpet is laid out for you and you’re treated like a Princess.
Pros: Complimentary, generous, looking for love and does at least try to work on his faults.
Cons: Can be a selfish ego maniac.
4. The Monarch
All bow before the Mighty Monarch! This crazed costumed villain spends his time trying to vanquish the efforts of Dr. Venture despite the fact that…well…he’s not really good at the whole “arch nemesis” thing. I mean, the Monarch generally annoys people rather than actually managing to pull off anything diabolical. Still, how great would it be to go on a date in a villain’s lair? Pretty neat right?
Pros: Confident, passionate about arch-villainy, intelligent and has that whole “bad boy” thing going on.
Cons: Wears a pair of girlish butterfly wings as part of his costume and is prone to whiny jealous hissy fits.
3. Ryoga Hibiki
Ryoga is an accomplished martial artist and the longstanding rival of Ranma, the protagonist of the series. Despite his constant idiocy and willingness to start a fight over nothing (an eternal grudge over a piece of bread? seriously?), Ryoga’s adventurous spirit and loyalty definitely make him a keeper. Did I mention that he often likes to daydream about getting married to the girl he loves? Cute!
Pros: Athletic, passionate, kind and can magically turn into a fluffy little pig. Double cute!
Cons: Literally has no sense of direction. It would take him about 2 weeks to figure out where the restaurant is for tonight’s date…and that is not an exaggeration.
2. Cyril Figgis
Cyril is the perfect foil to Archer – bookish, sensible and always trying to do the honourable thing in work. Where does he work, you ask? In a freakin’ spy agency! How amazing is that? Not only is this guy way more exciting than meets the eye, but he is extremely goodhearted, as well as being the ideal person to have your back in an adventure. Cyril is damn near perfect…if it wasn’t for the sex addiction and all…
Pros: Smart, is looking to settle down, generous and cooks a fantastic stir fry (which he eats for dinner on Fridays – “Stir Fryday”, geddit?).
Cons: As previously mentioned, the whole “sex addiction” thing doesn’t sound like a walk in the park. Plus he’s cheated in the past a lot. A LOT.
1. Comic Book Guy
Comic Book Guy is the classic comic nerd in every way and I LOVE that about him. From being judgmental over other people’s entertainment tastes to being almost dangerously obsessive over fictional characters (“But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds!“), this dude would definitely brighten my day with the enlightening banter and observations about films and comics that only true nerds can accomplish. Plus there is definitely a soft side I’ve seen of him in the series, you know, if you forget about the fact that he cruelly bullies his adolescent customers.
Pros: He owns his own comic store. It doesn’t get much sexier than that!! Right ladies? Okay, okay…I might be in the minority here…
Cons: There’s a lot to pick from but the two I’ll put here are 1) the lack of bathing and 2) he dated Agnes Skinner. They bother me. Especially the latter.
After going through this list I’m happier than ever that I’m living in the real world ha ha! Still, it’s been nice taking a mini-holiday away to the land of fiction, I suppose that’s what job hunting does to you – you need a break once in a while, right? Lastly, as a gift to any gentlemen who have made it through this list, here’s Jessica Rabbit with a song for you. 🙂